Everyone in this city is just SOOOOOO excited that the Steelers are playing in the Super Bowl on Sunday.
The Big One keeps asking me if I'm excited for the game. He keeps asking me if I'm nervous about the Steelers' defense's ability to stop Larry Fitzpatrick, or whatever his name is. He keeps asking me these things as if I'm a Steeler fan.
Let me tell you what I've been trying to tell him for over a year: I AM A BROWNS FAN.
I was born in Youngstown, Ohio, right in the middle of Pittsburgh and Cleveland. Anyone from Youngstown will tell you that half the residents are Pittsburgh fans and the other half are Cleveland fans. Usually the factor that determines a Youngstowner's football loyalty is what team your father roots for.
Well I never met my father. My mother told me that he was a pug named Beanie, but that's the only thing I know about him. So I certainly don't know whether he's a Browns fan or a Steeler fan. Although I suspect that he was brown, I've found that that isn't a reliable predictor of football team loyalty.
So without the guidance of my deadbeat father, I turned to my mother, a beagle named Applesauce. Mom liked the Browns because when she would watch them play on TV, she saw that dogs were not only allowed into the stadium, but a bunch of them had their own seats behind the "endzone." She said they were called "The Dog Pound," and when the dog catcher catches a dog, and the dog can show that it's a Browns fan, that's where the dog catcher puts them- right in the football stadium, where dogs are free to drink beer, fight with other dogs, and throw batteries at the opposing team in peace.
That's all the information I needed. I can only imagine where the dog catcher takes Steelers-fan dogs. Probably to a Pirate game.
So I'm a Browns fan. I just need to convince The Big One of that. If anyone has any suggestions, I'm all ears (no pun intended). I'm afraid that until I can get that point across, I'm going to have to wear this every week:
Marf the Steelers,